


Monachopsis

by ThatBohoFemme



Series: The World of Obscure Emotions [3]
Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Babies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Hospitalization, M/M, Mpreg, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pregnant Dean, Prior Pregnancy Loss, Protective Parents, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-03 00:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12737034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatBohoFemme/pseuds/ThatBohoFemme
Summary: Monachopsis- the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of placeThe Dictionary of Obscure EmotionsHaving a baby is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. Yet, when you've had bad experiences, it can be hard to look at this joyous time in the same way.How do Dean and Seth navigate as they do their best to have a healthy baby?





	1. 20 Weeks

_Monachopsis- the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place_   
_**The Dictionary of Obscure Emotions** _

_Twenty Weeks_

Seth tries to escape the feelings of panic that threaten to consume him as he rushes through the hospital. The cloying scent of disinfectant and something faintly medicinal that he can't identify do their best to overpower him but he just keeps moving. 

He only has one goal in mind. 

"Come on," he mutters, mashing the elevator button over and over again. He doesn't _think_ it'll make the elevator come any faster but on the off chance it will, he keeps trying. 

The elevator doors slide open with a loud ping.

Late last night, he'd gotten a phone call from Bayley, one of his best friends, telling him to get home as fast as he could. 

_Hey. I'm not saying there's a need to panic but you're going to want to get home as soon as you can._

_Why?_

_Dean's been admitted to the hospital. There was-_

_WHAT?_

_Bleeding and cramping. They don't think it's anything but they're admitting him to be safe._

_Jesus. How's Dean?_

_Terrified. Wants you. He's reluctantly letting me sit with him but he's not good._

_I'm on my way._

The elevator settles onto the floor he needs, the doors stuttering as they open. Seth jogs as quick as he can, trying to find the room. He knows where he needs to be. 

As he bolts through the room door, he collapses on a chair, trying to catch his breath. 

"Well, look who decided to show up," Dean declares cynically, staring up at Seth from the hospital bed. He glances down at his barely swollen belly. "Kid, your dad finally made it." 

"I had a hell night- but caught the first flights I could. I'll tell you about that later. I'd have been here sooner but..." Seth's voice drifts off, as he pants, still trying to catch his breath. 

"No, Seth. You're fine. I'm being an ass," Dean admits. "I _hate_ hospitals." 

"Are you okay? How's the baby?" Seth asks, trying to appraise the situation. He sees tubes and wires but just isn't sure what any of them are supposed to do. "What's going on?" 

"Dehydration, bladder infection that became a kidney infection and ligament pain. They're going to keep me for a few days to clear the infection, antibiotics, fluids, etc. Our kid is where they belong, happily cooking away." He stares down at the electrode, attached to his belly with a velcro band. "They're monitoring the kid's heart- that's the whoosh in the background." 

"Why are you so calm?" Seth asks, staring incredulously at his husband. "Just tell me that." 

"Either, I've made sure I know what's going on or they gave me a super low dose of Benadryl to keep me calm but not drowsy after I had a panic attack." Dean shrugs. "Take your pick." 

"They use Benadryl for that? Wait- never mind." Seth shakes his head. "I'm just glad you're okay. I thought you were miscarrying." He wrings his hands together. 

"Don't use that word around me," Dean mutters, his demeanor shifting. "Just _don't_ , not after last time." He swipes the back of his hand across his eyes. "How was your flight?" 

"Spent the night in the Indianapolis baggage claim after catching the last flight I could. Then, caught a flight to Chicago to get here," Seth explains, still trying to calm himself down. "I got the call and flew into a blind panic." 

Nineteen months earlier, Dean's first pregnancy had ended in loss. For some unknown reason, their baby girl had been stillborn at 35 weeks. 

They had named her Stella- chosen by Dean because ' _She's among the stars now._ '

"Scared the shit out of me too," Dean admits. "Especially because they're still so small that I can't feel anything." He cups the underside of his belly. "Of course, I"m sitting back here, waiting for a sonogram when _someone_ " At this, he stares hard at his belly. "decided to say hello." 

"You felt the first kick?" Seth asks, trying to hide his glee. "You're sure?" 

"Not my first time at this rodeo, Rollins. When a baby kicks, you know it." 

Seth settles into the hospital bed next to Dean. It's a tight squeeze but they _just_ manage to fit. He covers Dean's hand with his and pulls it to the spot just above the fetal monitor. 

"You know you won't be able to feel it for a few weeks," Dean whispers, nuzzling Seth's cheek. He sighs. "Can I admit something?" 

"Sure," Seth replies, leaning back onto the pillow. 

"I'm trying not to get attached but that's fucking hard. I _thought_ when we decided to keep the gender a surprise, that would make it easier to not fall in love," Dean admits, tears welling in his eyes. "I just want this _so fucking bad_." 

"I know, Babe, I know." Seth laces their fingers together. "I do too." 

The decision to try again had not been an easy one. Losing Stella had practically shattered Dean. He had went as far as trying to convince Seth to get a vasectomy, a way to avoid _ever_ going through pain like that again. 

It hadn't been easy. It had taken a lot of soul searching but they had eventually reached the conclusion that they _had_ to give it one last try- if nothing else, to put their hearts at ease.

"I never realized you could love someone so much that you barely know," Dean says, staring at something just beyond Seth's shoulder. 

He turns, trying to see what Dean is staring at. 

Their baby's heart beats at exactly 140 beats per minute.


	2. Week 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth and Dean find out the baby’s gender.

_Week 22_

Dean is grateful to have Seth home when he can. There's just something he adds to their home. He also helps keep Dean grounded when his mind starts racing with worry.

Everything is better when Seth is around.

"Hey, Kid." Dean stares at his belly. "I can feel you poking around in there. What? You can't get comfortable?" He gently eases his shirt up, and presses his hand into his skin. "You gave us quite the fucking scare a few weeks ago."

His experiences with this pregnancy are almost _worse_ than the last time he went through this. More aches. More pains. More puking. Then, he ended up in the hospital, thanks to things beyond his control.

And that was only the _first_ five months.

"Well, you know what they say, if the prep is bad, the show will be great. It applies to drag shows. It's true for wrestling matches- why can't it be true for pregnancy?" Dean stretches out on the couch, wrapping a lap blanket around his legs. It's just after midnight and Seth is due home at any time. "I'm trying to stay up so we can see your dad but you're _draining_." He laughs. "Personally, I'd have it no other way."

The baby kicks in response.

"Is it _weird_ that I want to find out if you're a boy or a girl?" Dean continues talking. "I _like_ calling you kid but it just feels impersonal, considering you're my tenant for another 4 and a half months."

It's rough being alone at a time like this. Seth's on the road a lot and Dean doesn't know that many people. He had tried going to male pregnancy meet ups but he found being around 'normal' parents unnerving. If he got desperate, he _always_ had Bayley to hang out with. That's not an option that he particularly likes. Bayley has a daughter around the age that Stella _should_ be. As much as he loves Victoria, she's a painful reminder of what they had lost.

There had been some conversation about him traveling with Seth for a bit. Then, they had considered his history and knew it was a risk. It's not a chance they're willing to take.

"We'll see what your dad thinks," Dean says. "We get to see you tomorrow. It's my third time and his first since you started looking like a baby instead of an alien."

The door softly shuts. Dean knows that this means Seth's home but _thinks_ he's asleep.

"In the living room!" he calls, pushing his shirt down and pulling the blanket up. After a minute, he tries again. "You coming?"

"It's 12:27 at night! Why are you still up?" Seth wanders in, pulling his hood down. He sets the rolling suitcase in an empty corner. He kisses Dean hello and settles on the couch. "How's the kid?"

"Playing soccer with my bladder," Dean replies. "It's the weirdest feeling." He lowers the blanket again.

"Why are you wearing one of my merch shirts?" Seth asks. "My original merch shirt none the less?"

" _Maybe I missed you_ ," Dean replies, smirking. He reaches out, grabbing Seth by the hand. Then, with his free hand, he eases his shirt up. Finally, he presses their combined hands in, hoping that Seth will realize what he's doing.

Seth's eyes widen, first in horror and then, delight. A sad look lingers in his eyes for the briefest moment before it evaporates.

"Why are we poking our kid?" Seth tries to shake the sadness and act like nothing's bothering him. Dean knows him well enough to know that he's not okay.

"Just proving there's a baby in there." Dean keeps his grip on Seth's hand. "We made that."

"Yeah, we did." Seth nods.

"I _know_ we wanted it to be a surprise but I _think_ I want to know," Dean admits. "Tired of only using the word _they_."

"Are you sure?" Seth asks, resting his head on Dean's shoulder.

"I want this to be _real_. I want 'The Kid' to have a real identity."

 _No matter how long we have them, I want to make sure that they know they're loved and part of that is knowing who they are,_ the little voice in the back of his head adds.

Dean can't articulate that to Seth so he chooses the easiest explanation.

Seth doesn't need to worry.  
\---  
Dean slowly inhales and exhales as they sit, waiting for the sonogram to begin. It's the calm before the storm- the part that always makes his anxiety peak.

"Boy or girl?" he asks, squeezing Seth's hand. He asks, partially because he's curious on what his husband thinks but also to fill the silence in the room.

"I don't care as long as they're healthy," Seth replies, returning the squeeze. "A healthy baby and a happy you." He gently kisses Dean's forehead.

Seth had _truly_ been his rock after Stella. When he refuses to eat, Seth fed him. When he refuses to shower, Seth took baths with him.

_Why won't you just leave me alone?_

_Because if I do that, it means I'm giving up on you and I refuse to._

There are definite reasons that they've stayed together, despite _everything_ that they've been through.

"Are you ready to see your baby?" a technician asks, walking in.

Dean looks up, the anxiety peaking. Seth firmly squeezes his hand, clearly trying to help him stay grounded.

"What are you hoping for?" the technician asks, pulling out the bottle of sonogram gel. "I'm going to apply this so we can get a clear view of the baby. It should be pretty warm- no icy sonograms here."

"A healthy baby?" Seth replies. "All we want."

"Personally, I'm hoping for a girl," Dean admits. "I'll be happy either way but a girl's what I want."

"Okay, here we go." The technician applies a thick, goopy coat of gel to Dean's belly. "And we begin..."

Thanks to his road schedule, this is the first second trimester sonogram Seth's been able to be at, which Dean is grateful for.

Sonograms make Dean incredibly _nervous_. It just reminds him of the day that they lost Stella.

He'd been alone at a routine sonogram when he had gotten the news.

 _Dean, I'm so sorry to tell you this. The heartbeat's gone._  
_Can you please check again?_  
 _Sweetheart, I've checked three times. See this black spot?_  
 _Yes._  
 _If the baby was alive, we'd see movement right here. Dean, I am so incredibly sorry but your baby died._

"Don't," Seth whispers, his lips just barely grazing Dean's ear. "You don't need to go there."

“Okay, your baby has a strong heartbeat.” The technician taps her finger on the screen.

Dean can’t help focusing on the miracle of that tiny heart. This is something that he thought he’d never get a chance to experience again.

“Everything looks great. Would you like to know the gender?”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Seth asks, facing Dean.

“Yep.” Dean’s too focused to say much else.

“From what I can see, it’s a girl.”

Dean can hardly hold back his happy tears.


	3. Week 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth remembers why it's so important for him to be the strong one, even though it's beginning to take an emotional toll.

_**Week 24** _

"I'm pregnant," Dean declares loudly. His voice echoes through the bedroom, waking Seth from a sound sleep.

"Babe, _unless_ you're pregnant again, this isn't news." Seth jams his pillow over his head in a fruitless attempt to not wake fully up. It's one of his _rare_ days off and all he wants is a chance to sleep in. 

"No, Seth. Look at me," Dean insists, shaking him. 

Seth groans, the pillow being pulled from his head. Reluctantly, he sits up.

"Holy shit, you're _pregnant_!" he exclaims. 

When they had gone to bed, Dean just looked _pudgy_ , like he'd had one beer too many. By the light of the day, there's no denying it. He looks pregnant. 

"Told you," Dean mutters, slipping into a pair of Seth's basketball shorts and an old shirt. "Nothing fits!" 

Seth does his best to hide his happiness. The fact Dean is showing is a great sign. This means that their baby is growing. He had been a little concerned that his husband's almost in the third trimester and wasn't really showing.

"We'll go shopping in a bit," Seth says, stifling a yawn. "If you're okay with it, we can see about maternity clothes." 

Seth _knows_ he has to tread lightly when it comes to anything that acknowledges Dean's _condition_. It's not that they're ashamed that he's pregnant. It's actually much deeper than that. 

In the early stages of Dean's pregnancy, they'd gone to extreme measures to hide what was going on. They were _afraid_ that by acknowledging the pregnancy, they would be tempting fate. 

"You mean I can't live in your sweats for the next four months?" Dean asks, settling back on the bed. 

"No, dear. I'm going to need my clothes eventually," Seth whispers, pulling Dean down to lay next to him. "I can give you _two_ , maybe _three_ outfits but I generally need them." He yawns, his eyes drifting to the bedside clock. "It's 5:15 AM- can we sleep?"   
He waits until Dean lays down and wraps his arm around him. 

Seth's hand naturally drifts to his belly. When Dean was pregnant with Stella, that was how they slept.

It's the first time he's done this during the current pregnancy. 

As he drifts to sleep, he's greeted by a stiff kick in the palm.  
\---  
Seth watches Dean pull his hoodie down, trying to cover the bump. He _really_ wants to laugh but knows it will only aggravate his husband who's self-conscious about his size. 

"I can't believe how much I grew overnight," Dean grumbles, still trying to pull the hoodie down. 

Seth knows his husband well enough to know that he's actually quite pleased with this development, even if he fakes annoyance. 

"I felt her this morning," Seth marvels, reaching out for Dean's hand. "She's feisty." 

"That she is. Was Stella this active at this stage?" Dean asks, squeezing Seth's hand. "I can't remember." As he finishes his sentence, he blanches. "Seth, why can't I remember? I can't be forgetting her...right?" He stops. 

Seth knows exactly what needs to be done. This is not the first time this has happened, though, it's the first one in a good month and a half. 

He guides Dean to a bench and wraps his arm around his husband's shoulders. With Dean, it's impossible to know what might trigger his panic attacks so it's always best to just be prepared. 

"Hey, it's okay," Seth whispers, getting Dean to turn his head so they can rest forehead to forehead. "Focus on me." 

For the past twenty months, Seth has had no choice but to be the strong one. There's never really been a time that he's really felt that he can let his emotions get the best of him. Dean needs him far too much...

"How can I be forgetting her?" Dean whimpers. He's paler now, tears streaming down on his face. He's on the verge of hyperventilating, too. "It's like she was never here." 

"Hey, it's okay." Seth continues whispering in hopes that Dean will calm down enough to hear him. "Your hormones affect your memory. Remember pregnancy brain?" He waits until he sees Dean nod and resumes talking. "You're not forgetting her. You could never forget her." 

He waits, hoping Dean's breathing will stabilize. The last thing Seth wants is him completely flipping out. It's _much_ easier to break the panic attacks when they're caught early.

"Sorry," Dean mutters, glancing away. He looks almost _embarrassed_. "I don't know why I got so upset." His breathing stabilizes and he wipes his eyes on the hoodie sleeve. 

"It's okay, Babe. You've got a lot going on right now," Seth replies, nuzzling Dean's cheek. "Especially with Baby Girl." He plants his hand, fingers splayed, firmly in the center of Dean's belly. After a few moments, he's rewarded with a kick. 

"Did you feel that?" Dean asks, holding his hand over Seth's. His eyes glow with joy.

"I did," Seth says, kissing Dean's cheek.


	4. Week 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reluctantly lets a little bit of his fear go when he's forced to hang out with Bayley.

_**Week 26** _

"Why don't you go out with Bayley tomorrow?" 

"Does she have Victoria with her?" 

Seth is on a European tour while Dean sits home. He's fine on his own, content just to go about his routine but he also knows Seth worries about him being alone, especially when he's so far away.

"No, Finn's mother has her. They're doing something- can't really remember. Will you _please_ go? You know I don't like you being alone for 13 days." 

"Fine. I know if I say anything else, it'll just upset you. Moving on- do you want to FaceTime later?" 

"If you're up. God, I miss you." 

Dean will _never_ admit how much he misses having Seth around, especially now. The further along he gets, the more he's reminded of Stella and thus, it's a harder battle to stay out of his head. 

"I'm getting bigger. You probably won't recognize me. Guess Baby Girl wants to make sure that we know she's here." 

"Night, Babe. I love you." Seth sounds sad and far away. 

"Have a great show. Love you too." 

Dean sets the phone aside. In all honesty, he's quite glad that they hadn't FaceTimed just then. If they had, Seth would have realized that Dean had _actually bought_ one of his shirts from The WWE Shop. 

_Why did you buy a shirt that I could have gotten you for free?_

For some reason, Dean doesn't think that Seth would find _But I missed you!_ to be a valid answer. 

Seth also would have realized that Dean lives on the couch when he's away and that would have launched an entirely new series of conversations. 

Because of this, Dean finds that it's sometimes best to keep his husband on the phone and not in camera view of what happens when he's gone. 

His phone trills. 

B: WHEN ARE WE MEETING TOMORROW? 

Dean _really_ doesn't want to go out with Bayley. Seth might worry but in the grand scheme of things, Dean's more comfortable on his own. 

Still, the last thing he wants is Seth to worry so he will go, despite his first instinct to not to. 

He types out a response. 

D: UP TO YOU. 10 AM?  
\---  
Shopping at Target is the least thing Dean would consider 'relaxing'. He hates shopping, especially when Seth isn't there. He also knows that running from Bayley would be frowned upon so, he tolerates it. 

"Sorry," Bayley says apologetically. They've been standing in the baby section for the last ten minutes as she browses through clearance clothes. "Never really get time just to _look_." 

Dean shrugs, rubbing an ache in his lower back. Normally, he wouldn't care but they've been resisting the urge to shop. 

As they had found out last time, there was almost nothing more painful than having a nursery, all neat and ready to go, while _not_ having a baby for it. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a grey sleeper. He moves closer to it, taking further interest in the rainbow on its front. 

"Oh hello, Little Rainbow," he speaks softly as he reads. 

_That would be a perfect welcome home outfit,_ Dean thinks, pushing the cart closer to the rack. 

He fingers the soft fabric, resisting the urge to buy it. This is the kind of thing he prefers to consult his husband on, not because Seth's controlling. That's far from it. He just knows that his husband _gets it_.

"That's adorable!" Bayley comments, coming up behind him. "Debating buying it?" 

"The Kid is our rainbow. Have you ever heard of a rainbow baby?" Dean asks, putting the sleeper in the cart. 

"Not really?" Bayley replies, suddenly looking interested. 

"A rainbow baby is a baby born after loss. _The beauty after the storm_." Dean rubs his belly as he talks. "It's a fitting thing for our rainbow to come home in." 

"I think you should buy it!" Bayley says, moving towards accessories. "It's a great message for them." 

"You're right," Dean stammers, hoping he sounds more confident than he feels. By buying one small item, is he tempting God to take his daughter again? 

"Victoria _loved_ hers!" Bayley squeals, pointing to a display of security blankets. Each blanket is pastel colored (either blue, pink or green) with a stuffed animal's head and arms attached to the top. "She still uses the unicorn as her lovie!" She grins, facing Dean. "Pick one! It's my gift to you and The Kid." 

"Bay, you _really_ don't have to do that," Dean mumbles, doing his best to politely refuse. He's already tempting God by buying the sleeper. A blanket _might_ just push God over the edge. 

"No, I insist! Pick one!" 

With Bayley's cheerful assurances, Dean agrees.  
\---  
The phone starts blaring 'The Search is Over' by Survivor, telling Dean that Seth is trying to video call. 

He gropes next to him, finding the phone and bringing it over. He accepts the call and tries to hide his glee as Seth's face fills the screen. 

"God, I miss you!" Seth exclaims, grinning as wide as he can. "And Baby Girl too." 

"We miss you too!" Dean nibbles his lip, trying to suppress the tears burning hot behind his eyes. He pulls the t-shirt up and lowers the camera so all Seth sees is belly. 

"You are getting bigger! Think you're right- I'm _not_ going to recognize you! How's Bayley?" 

"We went shopping. I did find Baby Girl's homecoming outfit. I know I should have waited but once you see it, you'll get it. It's perfect!" Dean grabs the Target bag. 

"You're buying baby clothes?"

Dean can't help but notice the hopeful note in Seth's voice. 

"Don't get excited. There will be plenty of time to shop once she's here. I just bought _one_ outfit and Bayley bought us a security blanket- I chose a Narwhal." He shows Seth the sleeper and blanket.

"Why Narwhals?" Seth seems to gloss over the sleeper. "And pull back, I want to see more of the outfit."

Dean pulls the sleeper back so Seth can see more of it.

"Why not choose a Narwhal? And what do you think?" 

"Dean, it's _perfect_."


	5. Week 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When bad things happen, Seth has to be the strong one.

Seth can’t remember what cold medicine Dean can safely take and it’s _stressing_ him out. 

He’s got a snotty, cranky husband who has been miserable for days, just waiting for the cold to work its way out of his system because he’s terrified taking something will hurt the baby.

“Sudafed, Benadryl-that’s it?“ Seth stares incredulously at the list on his phone. “No wonder he’s been so fucking stubborn.”

With no choice, he stocks up on Sudafed, Benadryl and the special cough syrup with Codeine that the obstetrician has called in.

Seeing Dean this sick is probably one of the worst things Seth’s dealt with recently. He hasn’t felt this helpless since losing Stella.  
———  
“Come on, Babe,” Seth urges, holding a spoonful of chicken soup to Dean’s lips. “ _Really_ need you to eat, if not for me; do it for Baby Girl.”

It’s been a fruitless struggle to get Dean to eat and drink. Seth’s tried everything that he can think of and nothing is working. 

“Just want to sleep,” Dean mumbles, turning away from the spoon. He’s pale and clammy. A thin coat of sweat covers him. Every so often, he coughs and it sounds like a dry bark.

Seth knows what he has to do. 

“Okay, we’re going to the hospital,” he mutters, forcing Dean to his feet. “I know you _hate_ hospitals but I also know if you were lucid, you’d kill me for letting you be this sick and not getting seen.”  
———  
Seth sits in the hospital garden in quiet meditation. He’s doing everything he can to avoid focusing on how scared he actually is.

For the second time in two months, Dean is hospitalized to receive antibiotics and fluids. It’s like they can’t get a break. Is a disaster every other week the going rate for a healthy baby?

_Fucking pneumonia. Why does God want me dead?_ he thinks, sipping a cup of hot tea. He’s allowing himself a chance to take some time for him while Dean sleeps. He can’t panic around his pregnant spouse. It’s guaranteed that will just make a shitty situation worse. _God, all we want is our baby girl here, happy and healthy. Why must you continue testing us? Wasn’t taking our Stella enough of a test?_

Tears burn his eyes but he still refuses to cry. There’s no time for that. Dean needs him to stay strong. 

_Stella, if you can hear me, please look after your dad and little sister. They really can use you, Angel._ Seth thinks, taking another sip of tea. 

Their doctor assures them that the antibiotics will do what they need to and Dean will be on the mend before they know it. It’s just going to take some time and patience. 

Seth rises to his feet, taking the chance to toss his styrofoam cup in the trash. He has to get back now. If Dean wakes up and he’s not there, the end result will not be pretty. 

Seth arrives back to the room to find his husband still sound asleep. Dean’s left hand curls up under his belly, keeping his own watch on their daughter. The fetal monitor steadily whooshes in the background, keeping track of the baby.

He pushes a chair as close to the hospital bed as he can manage. Then, he reaches over, grabbing for Dean’s free hand.

“Dean, I promise I am going to do everything I can to protect both you and Baby Girl.“Seth strokes his hand as he speaks. “Second scare in two months. Just glad you’re here and on the mend.“

He sits in silence, just trying to pass on quiet support to his family.

“Never forget- _never forget_ that both you and our daughter give me life.“ 

“Have you eaten?” Dean’s quiet voice breaks the silence. “You don’t have to sit there.“

Seth glances at Dean, who is staring at him. He swipes across his eyes, unsure if he’d been crying. He still doesn’t want to stress out Dana anymore than he already is.

“I have no intention of leaving you,“ Seth says, staring back. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been hit by a train,“ Dean grumbles. “How’s the baby?” He begins frantically running his hand around his belly. “Please tell me she’s okay.”

“Couldn’t be better. Her heart is steady and the one sonogram that they did shows her just kicking away.” Seth grips Dean’s hand. “And now, you’re on the mend. Though I’m debating buying a plastic bubble for you. I hear I can get them for a great price on Amazon.“ He leans over, kissing Dean’s cheek. 

“I just felt her. Thank God, was afraid I’d hurt her.” Dean presses their entwined hands tightly against his belly. 

“Nope. She’s still perfect. Our baby girl.” Seth settles back into the chair. “And you’ll be on your feet before you know it.”

All Seth wants is a healthy family.


	6. Week 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For every step forward Dean takes, it would appear that Seth takes two steps back, especially as Dean tries to make peace with the past.

_**Week 30** _

Dean finds he is taken aback to realize that he has just under two and a half months before he meets their baby. 

He's been avoiding getting his hopes up. After all, he'd put all his hopes and dreams into Stella and then, she'd just been gone. 

In the grand scheme of things, he just isn't sure he would be able to survive another loss. 

A spoon clatters against the bowl of pistachio ice cream currently resting on his belly. The sharp noise drags him out of his thoughts. 

"Feeling ignored, Baby Girl?" he asks, rubbing the underside of his belly. He knows she's reacting to the cold bowl, which is definitely precious. 

Dean is the first person to admit he doesn't understand pistachio ice cream. It's a flavor that makes _no sense_. Under normal circumstances, he _hates_ this stuff. Yet, over the last week, it's become his biggest craving.

"Your sister preferred peach or sunflower vanilla. Daddy _hated_ that one because it was so hard to find."Dean can't help but talk to his belly. He's convinced it keeps her calm. "We need to start finding names for you. Baby Girl Rollins is a cute name, but it also might get you teased a lot in school." 

They had wanted to be surprised with their last baby. Dean _swore_ that life had so few good surprises and it just made sense to enjoy one of them. Because of this, Dean and Seth had prepared to name the baby once they met the tiny human. 

For some reason, they had liked the name Michael figuring it could be used for either a boy or a girl. Dean hadn't wanted the baby to be one of a dozen Emmas or Allisons or Aidans. Mikey was cute for either a boy or a girl. 

Michael just made _sense_. 

Yet, when the baby came, it was clear that she wasn't a Michael. Dean had told Seth she was among the stars and her name should reflect that. Because of this, they had chosen _Stella_ , a name literally meaning 'star'.

"I hope you're not too upset that we haven't named you yet.You're called Baby Girl out of love. Also, I'm not comfortable finding a name until you're here and healthy, especially since I've landed in the hospital twice." 

All things considered, Dean's recovered well from Pneumonia. It had scared him more than anything else. The coughing and the fever and the muscle aches but worst of all, the fear. 

"Is she talking back?" Seth asks, wandering into the bedroom. "I can hear you all the way down the hall." 

"No," Dean laughs."She just likes the sound of our voices and pistachio ice cream."He sets the empty bowl on the nightstand."Also, do not think she understands the concept of night and day." 

"Why's that?" Seth asks, settling on the bed. He opens the top drawer of his nightstand and pulls out a small jar. 

"This child sleeps the whole day because I move and then, she kicks all night since I'm still," Dean says, staring down at his belly. "She literally stays awake until 2 AM at least once a week." 

"Well, she is living the life. Think about it! She's in a big, squishy waterbed with 24/7 room service and gets to be the princess." Seth eases Dean's shirt up and presses a kiss to the side of his belly. "Did you realize we were talking about you, Baby Girl?" He laughs, the baby kicking the spot where his head rests. 

"What's that?" Dean asks, nodding in the direction of the jar. 

"Stretch mark cream, courtesy of Cesaro. The lady that makes his muscle rub says her pregnant clients swear by it," Seth says, unscrewing the jar lid. He scoops out a small blob of the vaguely floral-scented cream and begins to massage it into Dean's belly. 

Soon, Dean finds that the quiet motions of Seth's hands lull him to sleep.   
\---  
There's something about being this far along that makes him think of Stella. 

Dean hasn't visited her grave in well over a year. He can't bring himself to. The pain is still fresh and seeing that tiny headstone might just push him over the edge. 

Yet, he's woken up with this intense need to visit his baby. 

"Can we go to the cemetery today?" he asks, facing Seth. His husband's visceral reaction tells Dean he's managed to catch the other man off-guard. 

"Why?" Seth asks, his voice trembling slightly. He's been the stoic one the entire time so for him to react like this, it catches Dean off-guard. 

Seth's _always_ been the strong one. 

"Because this kid is making me want to visit her sister," Dean admits, watching his spoon sink into the bowl of oatmeal. In reality, he's only been to visit Stella once. He prefers to remember the pregnancy and the happiness, not the pain and sadness that accompanied losing her. 

Seth reluctantly agrees to go with him. 

They ride to the cemetery in almost complete silence. Seth is usually an open book so the fact that Dean doesn't know what he's thinking worries him.

"You okay?" Dean asks, reaching out for Seth's hand. He's surprised when Seth responds with a weak squeeze. "What's wrong?" 

Dean's not normally one to prod but it's clear something is bothering Seth. 

"I'm just worried doing this will set you back." Seth looks to Dean, his eyes sad and hollow. "We are so close to the end that I'm afraid doing this will put you both at risk." 

"Seth, I need to make peace with my memories of Stella. She was here and then, she wasn't," Dean says, staring at the top of his belly. 

He doesn't know if it makes sense but he thinks Seth understands his point. 

Dean also doesn't understand why Seth is so reluctant to discuss the situation. 

"Fine," Seth responds in an unusually gruff manner. "You do what you need to." 

Dean just stares at his husband, his eyes blinking rapidly in confusion.


	7. Week 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a routine appointment leads to another scare, it's time for Seth and Dean to start confronting their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may want your tissues for this one. Heavy angst warning.

Seth thinks he's losing his mind. 

It's the strangest thing. He's excited for the baby's arrival, but he's also terrified. He's afraid something will happen to Dean. He's afraid something will happen to their baby. 

The anxiety is _all-consuming_.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks, reaching out to squeeze Seth's hand. They're sitting in the exam room, waiting for the obstetrician. It's just a routine visit, but it's still nerve wracking. 

"Fine, Babe. Just excited," Seth replies, telling a half truth. He can't tell Dean the truth. All that will do is stress him out and that's the last thing Seth wants. 

_No, I'm not fine. I'm secretly terrified our baby is going to die AND I feel guilty that I wasn't with you when you found out our first baby had died._

Even the words in his head sound insane. 

"Well, the doctor will be in soon. She's just finishing up with a patient," a nurse says, walking into the room. She pulls out the fetal doppler. "We're just going to check baby's heartbeat while we wait for Dr. Smith." She adds gel to the transducer and starts running it around Dean's belly. "Let's see- sometimes baby isn't where we think they are." She moves the transducer to another spot and tries again. 

Seth winces, feeling Dean jam his nails into his arm. He can feel something wet seeping up so he's pretty sure Dean has managed to draw blood. Seth glances over, confirming what he's already suspected.

Dean is on the verge of a panic attack.

"Now, she's probably just being stubborn," the nurse says, pressing around his belly with both hands. "No cause for concern. You _have_ felt her kick today, right?" The nurse tries again with the doppler. 

"I-I can't remember," Dean stammers, his voice threatening to break. 

"Before you continue," Seth _tries_ to keep his voice calm but firm. "Can you please bring in the doctor? My husband's last pregnancy ended in a third trimester loss and all of this is triggering." Then, he faces Dean. "Baby Girl's been kicking all day. You told me this, I felt it, kicking all day." 

This is Seth's worst nightmare. It's not only the possibility of history repeating itself but the thought that _all of this_ could cause Dean to backslide. 

He appraises the situation. Dean's deathly pale and shaking. The nurse had gone off in search of the doctor. 

"Hey, Baby Girl, need you to wake up," Seth says, gently prodding Dean's belly. He knows _every_ inch of his husband's body so he knows exactly how the baby lies. "Young Lady, I know you can hear me." He brings his lips close to the side of his belly where he's certain her head is and uses his best 'dad' voice. "Now, I know you're being stubborn. I'd expect _nothing less_ from our daughter but you're going to give your poor dads a heart attack. Baby Girl Rollins, _please_ move." He jumps back, three back-to-back thumps rolling across the surface of Dean's belly. "Was that...?" Seth stares up hopefully. 

"She's kicking. Your dad lecture worked," Dean says, hiccuping. Tears stream down his face. "That is the best feeling _ever_." He coughs, still crying. "I thought we'd lost her." 

_So did I._ Seth thinks, trying to control his own shaking. _Jesus. Can we please have a smooth pregnancy?_

"Sorry, Dean. Had to get our ultrasound machine back," Dr. Smith says, wheeling the machine in. "How are you feeling? Kim said you were getting a little upset." 

"Better now that we got her moving." Dean blows his nose on a tissue that Seth had handed him. "I may have freaked a little." 

"Well, you have _every_ reason to get upset, especially with your history," Dr. Smith says. She applies a coat of sonography gel to his belly. "I know she's moving but considering the scare you just had, we're going to let you see her."

Seth gives silent thanks for the fact their doctor _gets it_ and is happy to do whatever she needs to do in order to put their minds to ease. 

It takes a second for the grainy image to come up. Seth's been to enough of these that he can make out the baby without the doctor's guidance. 

"Just like I suspected, strong heart and look, she's sucking her thumb!" Dr. Smith traces the baby's outline on the screen.  
\---  
"Why aren't you eating?" Seth stares suspiciously at Dean's full plate. It's _not_ like Dean to barely eat. 

"Am I allowed to not be hungry?" Dean retorts, pushing a green bean around with his fork. 

He's been unusually quiet since they had gotten back from the doctor's office. Seth's _sure_ he's thinking about their earlier scare. 

"She's alive. That's what matters," Seth says, trying to be reassuring. "You just had a new nurse and a stubborn baby. She couldn't have known where to look." 

"Well, that woman scared the shit out of me," Dean admits. "You can't possibly understand what it's like- one second, you're pregnant and everything's normal and the next second, you're still pregnant but living a nightmare." 

_No but I know what it's like to watch the love of your life hit rock bottom while secretly grieving for our daughter._ Seth thinks in response. 

"I know I almost lost _you_ and that was terrifying," he replies. 

It's the first time in two years that they have even come close to discussing what losing Stella had been like for them. 

"You never cried," Dean says bluntly, his voice steadily rising. "Every time I tried to bring Stella up, _you_ changed the subject." He slams the table with the palm of his hand, causing Seth to jump. "Be honest- did you even care about what happened?" 

Seth recoils, Dean's words stinging more than any slap ever could. He _knows_ that Dean's barely in control of his emotions and Seth can't take it personally. 

That doesn't make his husband's words hurt any less. 

"I _couldn't_ cry because I had to be strong. I _had_ to be there for you. If I cracked, then, there would have been _no one_ to watch you." Seth shakes harder now, his eyes filling with tears. "I changed the subject because I was scared that it would be harder for you. I couldn't bury my husband so soon after losing my daughter." He blinks, tears now running heavily down his cheeks. "This entire pregnancy- I have been terrified. I know what losing her would do to you _and_ us." He exhales slowly, trying to get his crying under control. "Dean, I love you. I love Stella and I love our unborn daughter. _Never doubt that_." 

The next thing Seth knows is Dean enveloping him in the best facsimile of a hug that he can imagine. He can't get too close because of his belly, but gets close enough that he can rub Seth's back. 

Seth leans into the hug, relishing the fact that he can feel their daughter kicking between them. 

"I'm sorry that I said what I said," Dean murmurs, tears streaking his cheeks. "Maybe it's time we _share_ the grief." 

Seth can only nod.


	8. Week 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean grows okay with the past and makes amends with an old friend.

_**Week 34** _

“Why does it seem like you’ve doubled in size every time I see you?” Bayley asks, pulling Dean into an awkward hug. 

“I keep getting bigger?” Dean retorts, staring down at his belly. He can’t remember the last time he saw his feet. It doesn’t bother him per se. He just finds it odd. “Favor, Bay?” 

He had been invited to drop by and visit with Bayley. She claimed to have something for him and also hadn't seen him in a while. Dean hadn't really wanted to, preferring to stay in but he figured that he owed it to her. 

"Anything!" she chirps, pulling back. "How can I help?" 

"Do my shoes match?" Dean feels _ridiculous_ asking but he isn't sure. "I mean- I think they do but I don't know. I haven't seen my feet in a month. Better to be safe than sorry." 

"I'm not making fun of you- I can't see your feet without squatting," she explains, squatting to inspect his shoes. "Yep, they match." She stands, dusting her hands off on her pants. "Can I feel?" 

"If you really want to- think they're asleep right now," Dean replies, seizing Bayley's hand and presses it into his belly. After a second, the baby rewards them with a soft, lazy kick. 

"Amazing!" Bayley exclaims. 

"Mama!" Victoria squeals, running up to them. 

"Hi, Pretty Girl!" Bayley squeals, scooping her daughter up. "Say hi to Uncle Dean!" 

"Hi!" Victoria exclaims, waving. "Hi!" 

Dean has to resist the urge to cry. He's tearing up but refuses to let the tears fall. He _has_ to get okay with children, especially considering that he has one on the way. 

Yet, seeing her also upsets him because this is the age their Stella should be. 

Would she be a princess? A tomboy? Would she look more like Dean or more like Seth? Would she be excited to have a little sister or disappointed that it wasn't a boy? 

There are so many questions and not enough answers. 

As he's about to lose it, he feels the sharp jab to his bladder. He softtly rubs the spot where he can feel her and wills her to kick gently.

"I'm not ignoring you, Princess," Dean mutters, talking softly out of the corner of his mouth. 

No one else knows they're having a girl. It's silly but they are doing everything they can to ensure that as little attention as possible is paid to the baby. 

They're so close to the end that they _really_ don't want to tempt fate. 

"Go play, Vic," Bayley says, gently shoving her daughter towards the toys. Then, she faces Dean. "So, I _know_ you don't really want baby gifts just yet but I cleaned out my knitting basket today. First time in like two years. I found this at the bottom." She picks up a paper bag from the couch and hands it to Dean. 

He opens the bag and peers inside. He sees flashes of white and purple. Confused, he reaches in and pulls out a purple and white hand-knit blanket. The soft wool tickles his fingers. He places it back in the bag and stares up at Bayley, clearly baffled. 

"I made it for Stella and then couldn't bring myself to give it to you after she died," Bayley explains, swiping the tissue across her eyes. "I thought you might want it for this baby." She stares away sheepishly. 

Dean _genuinely_ loves Bayley. At one point, they'd been the best friends. They'd been pregnant at the same time with due dates just one week apart. They used to joke that their kids would be the best of friends, just like their parents. 

Then, when they lost Stella, Bayley had pulled back. 

"Look, I owe you an apology." Bayley stares beyond Dean's shoulder at Victoria as she speaks. "I _should_ have been a better friend when the baby died. I-" 

Dean holds up a hand, signaling Bayley to stop talking.

"Say her name. You're not going to upset me," he says, the blanket still tightly clutched in his hand. "I promise you won't hurt me." 

"When _Stella_ died, " Bayley murmurs. "I am ashamed that I wasn't there for you. I didn't want the end of my pregnancy to upset you." 

Dean nods. He knows that there's more coming. He can sense it. 

"I also was afraid of being close to that. Finn and I were so happy and seeing you reminded me that it could have been us instead," Bayley explains, tears filling her eyes. 

Dean senses that Bayley wants his forgiveness. It's taken her almost two years to apologize, even though he had never expected or wanted one. 

"Bay, I've never hated you. I love you. You helped me get through my first pregnancy. You understood because you were going through the same thing." He leans in, hugging her to the best of his ability. "I forgive you."  
\---  
Dean _knows_ Seth would kill him if he knew where he was. 

After the conversation with Bayley, he wanted to visit Stella. It’s a need to see her and where she rested. 

He sinks to his knees, careful to deal with his shifting gravity. He shivers, the rain from the grass soaking through to his knees. 

Dean reaches out and traces each letter engraved in the cold granite. 

_STELLA JUDE_

He skips over the last name, choosing to focus on the names that were exclusively hers. 

He moves on to the phrases Seth had chosen. 

_You’re among the stars now_  
_Don’t be afraid_  
_November 17, 2018_

“I never realized that your dad chose your middle name for the Beatles song,” Dean says, talking to the stone. “Makes sense though. Can’t believe you’re a week away from your second birthday.”

The baby shifts around, almost as if to remind her dad that she is still there.

Dean reaches down and pats the spot he thinks her head rests. 

“Can’t believe we might have had a two year old,” Dean says, continuing to speak. He adjusts himself until he’s sitting in a half lotus position. “Would you be excited to be a big sister? Who would you look more like? I know you never opened your eyes but I’d like to think you had your daddy’s eyes because you had my nose and lips.”

He can’t help but cry. This is his daughter- the tiny human that shared his body for 8 months and had been gone in an instant. 

“I haven’t even told your dad this but I remember our last night together. That last kick and realizing moments later, you were probably gone.” Dean dries his eyes on his hoodie sleeve. “It was an accident. Sometimes, babies just manage to move and tie a knot in the cord.” He exhales, his body heaving with the effort. “Happy early birthday, Stella Jude. Wish you were here to celebrate with us.”

Dean would have loved to have stayed longer but Seth‘s flight has just landed and they have dinner plans.

Besides, he doesn’t know how much more sadness he can take.  
———  
“You were at the cemetery,” Seth says, watching Dean waddle towards the table. 

“That obvious?” Dean asks, pulling the chair back from the table. 

“You have muddy knees.” Seth reaches across the table and grips his husband’s hand. “ _Really_ wish you had waited for me but I understand.”

“Just wanted to wish our big girl a happy early birthday.” Dean squeezes Seth’s hand. “And our nameless daughter is just kicking away.”

“Good,” Seth replies, his eyes staring off at something far away.


	9. Week 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a month to go, Dean and Seth start trying to figure out just how much they're comfortable getting ready for.

_**Week 36** _

_I'm going to have to take early paternity leave._ Seth thinks, running through the hospital. _Third time this has happened in three months. Kurt thinks I'm crazy but he has kids of his own...so...maybe not?_

Dean's currently in his 36th week. It's a milestone. He hadn't made it this far with Stella. 

_Baby Girl, I hope you're worth it. Who am I kidding? I know you're worth it but still, please don't be a brat. We went through a lot to get you here._ Seth thinks, running up the stairs two at a time. On a day like this, he doesn't have the patience to wait for an elevator. 

He received the phone call late last night just after the house show ended. 

_So, how was the show?_  
 _Good but why do I get the feeling you're about to tell me something I don't want to hear?_  
 _So, Dr. Smith may have admitted me to the hospital._  
 _Why?_   
_Baby Girl may have tried to come early and the doctor may have stopped them._  
 _Dean Ambrose-Rollins, you're trying to kill me._   
_No, Baby Girl wants to make sure we know she's here._

"I told you it wasn't serious," Dean chides, watching Seth run in. He raises the hospital bed so he's seated higher. "I mean...it _was_ but Dr. Smith stopped it." He sighs, staring at the fetal heart monitor. "I just have to take it easy because if it starts again, we're not stopping it." 

"Well, I still came as soon as I could. Would you expect any less from me?" Seth murmurs, sinking into the chair at Dean's bedside. "So sick of this damn hospital. How are you feeling?" 

"Jittery. The shot they gave me- it has me buzzing," Dean explains. "The longer we keep her in, the better her chances are." He rubs the swell of his belly. "I can't believe we're a month away from meeting her." 

_Or sooner._ Seth thinks, nodding in agreement to Dean's words. 

His apprehension is _slowly_ turning to excitement. This is the _first_ time Seth's allowed himself to think they would have a healthy baby. 

It's weird- he realizes. This is their miracle and he actually thinks he'll get to meet her. 

"She's dropping or getting ready to. I can't remember what the doctor said," Dean chatters, still rubbing his belly. "The doctor told me it's because we're in the homestretch." 

Dean chatters away, half from excitement, half from the terbutaline making him hyper. Seth half listens, trying to absorb everything. It's striking for him to realize that this is the most excited Dean's allowed himself to be in 8 months. 

After Stella had been gone for about a year, they had allowed themselves to talk about the prospect of having a baby but they hadn't planned anything out yet. 

As Seth's learned, the universe has plans regardless of what _you_ might want. 

_I'm pregnant._  
 _How?_  
 _Well, when two people love each other..._   
_Shut up, Dean. Seriously-how?_  
 _Remember that sinus infection?_  
 _Oh fuck- the antibiotics canceled out your birth control, didn't it?_  
 _Yep. So what do we do?_

It wasn't that they weren't happy. They were just surprised that it could happen like _that_. They also just didn't know how to react. 

Honestly, it's difficult to be happy when one lives in fear that their dreams could be snatched away in an instant. 

"I _think_ I want to buy a crib-or- a bassinet, if not both," Dean mutters, catching Seth off-guard. 

He pauses, needing a moment to gather his thoughts and come up with a response. He doesn't want to discourage the bonding process. That would be bad. Then again, on the off chance something went wrong, he doesn't want Dean to have to deal with an empty crib _again_. 

"We can get a bassinet _if that's what you want_. I don't want to get a crib until we need one." Seth doesn't want Dean to think he's being mean but he has to protect his husband. 

"I suppose," Dean pouts. "This is actually _real_." 

That realness is _exactly_ what Seth is afraid of. 

\---  
It's quickly becoming apparent to Seth that the _hardest_ part of the last month of pregnancy is going to be keeping himself sane while ensuring Dean rests. 

The doctor has him on modified bed rest, meaning she want him _limiting_ his movement- anything to help him get through the last month. 

"When you can do anything you want, you choose to lie on the couch in my merch that you don't think I know you bought," Seth teases, laying in their bed. Dean rests his head on his chest while Seth holds him. "When you're _required_ to sit around and do nothing, all you want is to be up and doing things." 

"I'm nesting?" Dean asks, shrugging. "I just want to make sure we're _ready_." 

Seth does his best to stifle a sigh. He _knows_ Dean can't help it. This is all part of the process. 

Dean _has_ to make sure the nest is ready. 

"Why don't we write a letter to Baby Girl?" It's a suggestion made out of sheer desperation. _Anything_ to keep Dean occupied. 

"I talk, you write?" Dean shuts his eyes, tightening his grip on his husband. 

Seth manages to find a legal pad and a pen. The even more miraculous thing is he managed to do it without leaving the bed or having to move Dean. Then, he begins to write as Dean dictates .

_Dear Baby Girl,  
By the time you read this, I hope you will have a real name. I'm sure you will but to your dads, you will always be Baby Girl. It's your first name. _

_After we lost your sister, we were reluctant to find a name for you until you were here. Whatever we ended up with, I'm sure it's a great name with a strong meaning._

_We can't wait to meet you. As I write this, you're busy, just kicking away and also have the hiccups._

They tell her about Stella. Their hopes and dreams for her. How they absolutely _cannot_ wait to meet her. 

Seth hopes Dean finds the letter as cathartic as he does. They have so few good memories of this pregnancy because of the fear of the past. 

"Dinner?" Seth asks, sealing the envelope. "I'll actually cook if that's what you want." 

"Chicken parm pasta?" Dean asks, his eyes suddenly hopeful. "With pistachio ice cream for dessert?" 

"If that's what you want," Seth murmurs, untangling himself from Dean's grasp. As he stands, he presses the remote into Dean's hand and gives him a gentle kiss. " _Promise me you won't get up while I'm gone._ Bathroom only. That's it." 

"Scouts honor," Dean replies, giving Seth the Boy Scout Salute. 

"You were never a boy scout!" Seth exclaims, throwing on a pair of shoes and grabbing the car keys. "Seriously, relax!"  
\---  
Seth pulls the Jeep through the cemetery gate. He hadn't planned on visiting Stella but Whole Foods had had beautiful wild flower bouquets on sale. Buying one of the bouquets and bringing it to Stella's grave just feels _right_.

He stops the car at the entrance to Stella's section of the cemetery. Picking up the bouquet, he hops out of the vehicle and heads towards the familiar stone. 

"Hey, Stella," Seth whispers, sitting in front of the grave. He ignores the dampness seeping through his jeans from the ground. "Sorry I haven't been by lately. Life is _crazy_ right now. We have your sister coming soon; I'm trying to get your dad taken care of and tying loose ends up at work so I can be there for everyone."   
He sets the flowers down, inhaling and exhaling several times. 

No one knows where Seth goes when he's so stressed out that he can't cope. He wants it that way, mainly to protect Dean. 

When life gets to be too much, he visits Stella and talks to her. 

"I miss you and what could have been. I miss your dad's smile- that one from _before_ \- where his face lit up and there was no sadness or grief." Tears fill Seth's eyes and for once, he allows himself to cry. "God, Stella, I remember the day you were born. I was the first person who got to hold you. All five pounds, four ounces of you and believe me, you were _perfect_ " He wipes his eyes. 

Losing Stella had changed them irrevocably. Seth actually hasn't held a baby since the day they buried Stella. How is he going to manage when their daughter comes? 

"The day we buried you, I dressed you and sang to you. _Hey Jude_ , the same song I sang the day you were born." Seth hiccups, continuing to cry. "I'd like to think you never knew pain or fear or hunger. All you ever knew was love, warmth and the sound of your dad's heartbeat as your lullaby. I take some comfort in that." Seth sighs, rising to his feet. He kisses two fingers and presses them to the stone. "Love you, Stella. Happy belated birthday." 

Then, he turns to leave. 

He'd love to stay longer but Dean needs him more right now.


	10. Week 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Seth prepare to meet their baby.

_**Week 38** _

Dean is _bored_.

He's also swollen, achy and has to pee every fifteen minutes but the worst of it is that he's _bored_.

He's been stuck on the couch for the last two weeks, waiting for their daughter to reach full-term. Now that he's 38 weeks, the baby could come at any time.

"You ready for your appointment?" Seth asks, wandering in. He holds Dean's zip up sweatshirt. "If we're done early, we can even get pizza." It's clear that he's trying to make the appointment sound more exciting than it actually is.

"You mean I get to leave my cell, Warden Rollins?" Dean snaps crankily. He doesn't mean to snap at his husband but he's not used to feeling so out of control.

"No need to fuss at me. Blame your daughter who wanted to come early and then decided not to budge." Seth offers Dean his hand. "I know this sucks but it'll all be worth it when she's here."

Dean nods in agreement. He tenses as a Braxton-Hicks contraction starts. It doesn't necessarily _hurt_ , just pulling his muscles in a strange way. They're also annoying.

"Practice contraction?" Seth asks, watching Dean closely while rubbing his shoulder.

"Yep." Dean exhales, the contraction ending. "Alright, let's do this." He allows Seth to help him up.

"Is she kicking?" Seth asks, helping Dean zip up the sweatshirt.

"Yep and still wedged up in my lungs. I thought she would have dropped by now." Dean's still waiting for the baby to drop. "It's going to be so strange when she's actually here."

"I agree." Seth squeezes Dean's hand. "I think it'll help us worry less."

"Yeah, less about the shit that can hurt her on the inside and more on the shit that can hurt her on the outside," Dean replies cynically. He sighs, staring down at his belly. "My shoes match?"

Seth nods.

Dean's reached the point where _everything_ aches. He's never been quite this big before. Almost _nothing_ fits. He's just ready to meet his baby.

"I'm sorry I'm so bitchy. Ready for this to be _over_ and have her _here_." Dean sighs, his lower back aching. He leans against Seth, gently nuzzling his cheek.

"I know, Babe," Seth whispers, kissing his husband's cheek. He offers Dean his hand to help him into their SUV. "She'll be here before we know it."

The ride to the doctor's office is silent. Dean's cranky and Seth's lost in his thoughts.

"I love you, Ambrose." Seth murmurs, twining their fingers together.

"Love you too."

Dean _knows_ he's blessed to have Seth in his life. Lesser men would have allowed Dean to die of a broken heart and moved on.

_Not Seth._

Dean's fully aware the only reason he's alive, mostly whole and relatively stable is because his Seth bothered to care when things were at their roughest.

It's a gift Dean knows he can never repay.

"I just can't wait to meet her," Dean murmurs, staring at Seth.

In only a few minutes, they're taken back to the exam room. They still sit quietly, waiting for the doctor.  
\---  
"You know- we might have an issue," Dr. Smith comments, feeling different spots on Dean's belly. Noticing her alarmed patients, she shakes her head. "Everything's fine with the baby. Her position is off. I think she's breech."

"Breech?" Dean asks, cocking his head. He knows what that means in terms of pregnancy but he doesn't know how it applies now.

"Yep. Your daughter is butt-first," Dr. Smith explains, nodding in direction of a model. "Normally, she would have flipped and dropped so she's head first to slide down into position. For this little girl, she's still got her butt resting down and her head up here." The doctor shakes her head. "She might flip but considering how tightly she's wedged up there, it's doubtful."

"So, what do we do?" Seth asks.

 _Of course you'd be happy to stay inside._ Dean thinks, staring at his belly.

"You have a few options. We wait and see if she flips but like I said, it's doubtful. We can try to manually flip her but it's uncomfortable and might not work or we just agree that a cesarean is best and we schedule that. Now, that is major surgery but you're in good health, good shape and relatively young. I have no reason to think that you wouldn't have a somewhat easy recovery."

"C-Section," Dean replies without hesitation. He knows he should consult Seth but for once, he doesn't care. He wants her out.

"Great," Dr. Smith says, turning to consult a nurse. After a moment of hushed whispers, she faces both Dean and Seth. "How do you feel about her having December 17th for a birthday?"

"Sounds good. Book it!" Dean murmurs, noticing Seth looking shocked. He gives his hand a reassuring squeeze.

They have three days to get ready to meet their daughter.  
\---  
"Three days. The baby will be here in three days." Seth still sounds like he can't believe it.

"Probably should have consulted you but we both know she's going to stay butt first. She's stubborn like that," Dean says, helping himself to another slice of jalapeño pizza.

"That is going to give you insane heartburn," Seth mutters. "Good thing I bought stock in Tums." He shakes his head. "Also, you're fine. Just trying to not think about everything we'll need to do. Cesaro will be here tomorrow."

It had been decided that Seth's best friend would be engaged to help shop once the baby arrived. If they were going to be superstitious, they had to be practical about it.

"We need a name. God, I always sucked at naming things." Dean shakes his head, trying to forget the memories of badly named pets.

"We'll figure it out." Seth pats Dean's hand. "Pistachio ice cream?"

"With hot fudge." Dean ignores Seth's disgusted look. "Hey, I have to take advantage while I can. Only have until Thursday to say it's what the baby wants."  
\---  
Dean lingers in the land between slumber and wakefulness. He swears he can hear Seth singing.

 _It's got to be a dream._ he thinks, struggling to stay asleep.

 _Little Darling, the smiles returning to the face._  
_Little Darling, it seems like years since it's been here._  
_Here comes the sun._

"Are you singing?" Dean asks, allowing himself to wake up. He finds his shirt's been pulled up. Seth rests his head on the swell and sings.

 _Little Darling, I feel the ice is slowly melting._  
_Little Darling, it seems like years since it's been clear._  
_Here comes the sun._  
_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes._

"Did I wake you?" Seth asks, staring up at Dean from where he rests.

"Yes but I don't actually mind." Dean gently runs his fingers through Seth's hair.

Dean remembers another conversation Seth had when he thought his husband was sleeping.

_Never forget that both you and our daughter give me life._

Life...

With his free hand, Dean grabs his phone and googles. As he reads, he feels one sharp kick. He googles something else and after a moment of scanning the page, he feels another single sharp kick.

 _So that's who you are._ Dean thinks.

With that, he whispers her name to Seth, who after a few moments of soft sobbing, nods.

Their girl has a name.


	11. Here Comes The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their sunshine arrives, despite some difficulty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to the end! How do my loyal readers feel about either a prequel or a sequel? Sound off! Enjoy!

Seth can not believe this day has _finally_ come. 

It’s the day to meet the stranger they’ve waited nine months for. 

Dean sleeps relatively well for someone facing major surgery in the morning. Seth’s _tried_ to sleep but he finds it almost impossible. 

He stands, managing to tuck Dean in. He pads over to the bassinet, peering in. 

It’s empty but is already made up with the black and whiten star sheets Dean had insisted on. The Narwhal blanket sits at the top, as if it were waiting for its human. 

_Oh, Baby Girl, I hope we’re ready for you._ Seth adjusts the blanket, hoping it’s perfect. 

It’s such an odd thought that by this time tomorrow, their princess will be here and in their arms. 

“Baby Girl, this is terrifying.” Seth stares at the bassinet. “I know we’re going to make mistakes- all I can say is I hope you never forget that we love you.”

Seth moves into the living room, settling on the couch. He knows he’s restless and the last thing he wants is to wake Dean when he _really_ needs his rest. 

_Why am I so fucking nervous?_ Seth thinks, wrapping the sofa blanket around his shoulders. He sits up, staring at the lights of the Christmas tree. 

Once they realized the baby would be home for Christmas, Dean _insisted_ on getting a Christmas tree, decorated with as much as they could possibly fit, lights included. 

It's the first time they've had a tree since Stella's passing. 

"You should be asleep," Dean says, walking into the room. He does his best to pull his t-shirt down, a valiant effort to cover his belly. "Even the giant Shield t-shirt doesn't fit- what the hell does that say?" 

"You're like nine months pregnant?" Seth can't help but respond sarcastically. "Also, I was restless. Didn't want to wake you. Why are you up?" 

"Nerves first and a baby kicking my bladder second." Dean settles on the couch next to Seth, resting his head on his shoulder. 

"Scared?" Seth _knows_ that's a silly question but he isn't really sure what else to say.

"More excited really. This is a day I never expected to see again. I'm just curious about her- that cancels out my fear." Dean shrugs, nuzzling Seth. "Actually think I'll miss being pregnant." 

"The baby's worth it though," Seth admits, pressing his hand into Dean's belly. "Our baby girl."   
\---  
"How are you holding up?" Seth asks, squeezing Dean's hand. They've been at the hospital since 9 that morning. For a variety of reasons, the surgery has been pushed back twice but they're _finally_ about to take Dean back to the operating room to begin. 

"This is... _weird_. Just realizing that I won't be pregnant in an hour or so and she'll be _here_." Dean sighs, rubbing his belly. "Well, Princess, hope you're as ready to meet us as we are to meet you." 

"Ready to have a baby?" a nurse asks, walking towards them. She lowers the side of the bed, offering Dean her hand. "We're just going to have you walk to the OR and then, I'll be back for other dad." She grins in Seth's general direction. 

Seth sits, watching Dean disappear down the hall. Part of him wants to chase after them, proclaiming that he will not be separated from his husband. The other part of him is almost relieved to have a few minutes to gather his thoughts before he has to be on and supportive. 

_God, I feel like a kid playing Doctor._ he thinks, staring at the blue scrubs the nurse had given him to wear. _Also really glad that this cap was big enough to cover all of my hair._ He lightly fingers the paper fabric of the yellow cap. 

This is one of the last moments that they have to just be two dads with their daughter in the Great Beyond. After this, they'll be the dads of two kids, one here and one gone. 

It's a nerve-wracking thought. 

_Thanks, Stella Bella. I'm glad you helped your little sister get here._ Seth thinks, staring at the ceiling tile. 

After what seems like ages, the nurse appears again. 

"Sorry about that- we had a few issues but we're good to go." She waits for Seth to rise and follow her. 

"Are they okay?" Seth hates when people are purposely vague like this. His imagination is usually worse than anything that's happened. 

"Yes. Just a small Anesthesia reaction. Baby wasn't too happy at first but we got it worked out." 

_This kid is going to be the death of me._ Seth thinks, walking into the operating room. 

"You came," Dean says. 

Seth's not sure how he knew. The only explanation he can consider is Dean knows what his footsteps sound like. '

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Babe. How are you feeling?" Seth asks, taking in the tubes, wires and noise. 

"Well, better now. Our kid didn't like the anesthesia at first so her heart did something funky but Dr. Smith is a goddess." Dean stares at the ceiling, the only place he can really look. 

"Well, welcome to childbirth, Mr. Rollins," Dr. Smith says. "We'll have her out within the next half hour." 

The next half hour goes by slower than Seth ever thought possible. Dr. Smith talks as she works, doing her best to keep the mood jovial. 

"Almost done, Dean," the doctor tells them. "You're going to feel a lot of pressure."

"Already do," Dean hisses. "Fuck!"

_Of course my husband is the one who curses in the operating room._ Seth thinks, trying to focus anywhere but the doctor. 

Surgery makes Seth queasy. 

"More pressure," the doctor announces. "Head's out." 

Against his better judgment, Seth peeks over the curtain. He starts to feel woozy, noticing the blood, fluid and exposed organs but he manages to steady himself. This is _not_ the day to faint. 

"Your daughter's out!" Dr. Smith exclaims. 

Seth holds his breath, waiting for that characteristic first cry. It doesn't come right away. 

"Why isn't she crying?" Dean asks, staring up at Seth. His eyes begin to dart frantically around. "Is she okay? What's wrong?" 

Then, Seth hears it. It's soft at first but grows steadily louder. 

Their baby is crying and it's clear that she is _angry_. 

"Your daughter wasn't happy to come out," the doctor explains. "Took us a sec to get her lungs working." 

Seth wanders over to where they're working on cleaning her up. 

"Say hi to your dad," a nurse named Helen coos. "Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?" 

Trembling, Seth takes the curved scissors and cuts where Helen indicates. He's not sure how he manages to do it but he does. 

The baby still wails angrily. 

It's a _glorious_ sound, especially considering they'd never gotten the chance to hear Stella cry.

"Why don't you take her over to her other dad?" Helen suggests, nodding towards Dean.

Seth allows the nurse to place the baby in his arms. She's now wrapped in a pink and blue striped blanket, staring around as she screams. He can feel the happy tears threatening to fall but he doesn't allow them to. 

There's a time and place for that and this isn't it. 

"She's a chunk- eight pounds, six ounces!" Helen adds. 

"She's here. Our girl is here." Seth tilts the baby so she is in Dean's line of vision. 

It's at this moment that he realizes Baby Girl has her dad's blue eyes. 

Dean tears up, gently running a finger down her cheek. 

"Hello, Baby Girl. You seemed much bigger on the inside." 

The second she hears Dean's voice, Baby Girl Rollins stops crying and it's almost as if she recognizes his voice. 

Seth has to choke back a fresh wave of tears.   
\---  
"They need a name," Dean murmurs, staring at the clear bassinet and its occupant. 

"Well, she has one. Why haven't you told them yet?" Seth asks, reaching over to squeeze Dean's hand. 

"You still like it?" Dean asks groggily. They've got him on Morphine to manage his post-surgery pain so he's definitely feeling _good_ but is also in a dream-like state. 

"Yes." Seth knows their chosen name is _right_. "Try it or would you rather I try it?" 

"You do it." Dean stares intently at Seth, his eyes half-lidded with exhaustion. 

"Vivian...Ambrose...Tesni. Our little Vivi." They _hadn't_ discussed using Dean's 'maiden' name but considering how hard he'd worked to get her earthside, it felt _right_.

"Vivian for the life she brings." Dean presses a hand to the side of the bassinet. 

"Ambrose for the man who never stopped fighting to get her here." Seth squeezes Dean's hand again. 

"Tesni. It's a Welsh name meaning _Warmth from the Sun_. This is the first time since the day Stella died that I can remember being warm." Then, Dean smiles. 

It's the smile Seth's missed.   
\---  
"Do you want to feed her?" their night nurse asks, coming into the room. "I can wake other dad if you'd prefer." 

Vivian's just starting to stir, mewing. Her cries threaten to become louder and turn into full-on wailing. 

"No, let him sleep. I can do it." Seth's never fed a baby before but figures it _can't_ be that difficult. 

"Good attitude!" the nurse exclaims, watching Seth pick up the baby. She helps him position Vivian just right and hands him a premixed bottle. 

Seth feeds her with relative ease. He's not sure why but this baby care thing is second nature. If he hadn't known better, he'd think he was born for this. 

"Want to try changing a diaper?" the nurse asks, helping Seth learn to burp her. "I'm sure she's wet." 

Seth hasn't had a chance to properly examine Vivian yet. Not only is she just eight hours old but he's been cautious on getting too close. 

It still isn't real. 

"Hi, Vivian. You have my hair and your dad's eyes." Seth carefully works through the diaper change, the nurse coaching him through it all. "It's _kind of_ weird seeing parts of myself in you." He carefully counts her fingers and toes, mainly because he can. "Vivi, I can already tell you're going to keep us on our toes." He sighs, pulling her gown down and settling back into the chair with her. "Our sunshine girl." 

As he sits there, he sings a verse of 'Here Comes The Sun' and tries to avoid flashing back to the last time he held a baby and sang a Beatles song.

This is a happy time and he intends to keep it that way, even if he's missing his Stella more than ever. 

It's hard for him to not imagine what it would be like having a two year old here, curious about her baby sister. He imagines that he'd be much more confident, knowing that they'd manage to keep one baby alive for two years straight. He knows that she'd proudly show off her baby to people and just be thrilled to have a doll of her own. 

"One day, we'll tell you about your big sister, Stella. For now, Vivi, we're just happy you're here."


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Eve and Dean just wants to watch Vivian sleep.

It's Christmas Eve and Dean knows he should be asleep. All the books say new parents should sleep when the baby sleeps. Normally, Dean would agree but tonight, he can't bring himself to put Vivian in her bassinet. 

He's been a new parent for exactly one week. It's the strangest feeling, having her out. It's not just the fact he's recovering from major surgery or the fact they've got to get used to entirely new routine. It's closer to the simple fact he doesn't have her right there. 

He's still used to being pregnant and having her right where he could easily check on. While he still keeps her close, it's not the same as her still being on the inside. 

Dean sits in the living room, basking under the glow of the Christmas tree. Vivian sleeps soundly, curled up on his chest. His heartbeat is her lullaby. A light linen blanket covers her back to stave off any existing December chill. Since they keep the house _very_ warm, he knows she'll be okay to sleep like this for awhile.

He knows he will have to answer to his husband once Seth wakes up to discover him missing. The biggest argument they've had repeatedly since Vivian's birth is the simple fact Dean doesn't like to be separated from her. 

"How'd I know I'd find you down here?" Seth asks, coming into the living room. He stands in the doorway, tightly knotting his bathrobe. "Why are you awake? What part about sleep when the baby sleeps don't you get?" 

"Hey, lower your voice." Dean nods in the direction of the sleeping baby. "She's a week old. She needed to be fed, changed and loved." 

"I know, Babe." Seth sits next to him. He exhales slowly, clearly trying his best to be patient. "I just don't want to see you end up back in hospital because you refuse to take it easy." 

Dean knows Seth's just looking out for him. That's partially why he doesn't fight his mother-hen husband. The other reason is even simpler. He knows Seth is right. 

Taking care of Vivian is a full-time job. To his chagrin, she took after him with her laid-back way. She was only like Seth when it came to two things- food and being held. If she wasn't fed fast enough or held enough for liking, she had _no_ problem telling you exactly what she thought. 

"I'll start soon, I promise." Dean stares at the Christmas tree, taking in the white icicle lights Seth had insisted on. "I just never thought I'd get this moment again and for her to be a week old on Christmas Eve..." His voice trails off. 

"I get it. Really, I do." Seth gently eases his arm around Dean's shoulders. He rests his head on Dean as well. He does this so he can take in the sleeping baby and her features. 

Dean stiffens, feeling Vivian flex in her sleep. He relaxes as her movement eases. She's probably dreaming. Dean can't even begin to imagine of what. 

"She's the best Christmas present you ever could have given me." Dean knows this is cheesy but he doesn't care. It's true. Seth could have easily let him give into his fear and ensure this tiny miracle never made it earth side. 

"I should be saying that to you." Seth gently presses a kiss to Dean's cheek. "You're the one who did all the work. I just supported you and bought the pistachio ice cream." He chuckles to himself. "By the way- so glad you're done with cravings." 

"For now. We could always have a second kid." Dean's still recovering from Vivian. Having a second child is the _last_ thing on his mind. Still, it warrants mentioning. 

"Let's get this lady through her first year and _then_ , we can have that discussion." 

Dean figures out how to stretch out so he's on Seth while Vivian is still on his chest. Once he does that, Seth lightly drapes an arm over Dean's shoulder and onto Vivian. 

This is how they sit, just basking in the glow of the lights. Dean knows he can speak but he has no desire to. 

For the first time in a very long while, Dean is unabashedly happy. 

He has a daughter who will grow up to be a phenomenal young woman. He has a husband who would move Heaven and Earth for him. Most importantly, he has the tiny voice in the back of his head infusing him with the confidence to know this parenting stuff will come easily one day. 

What more could a man want? 

-Fin-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep your eyes open for the sequel coming fairly soon. 
> 
> Hope you liked this!

**Author's Note:**

> I was playing with this idea to begin with but then someone also requested Ambrollins mpreg so I decided to have fun. Hope you enjoy and I'd LOVE your feedback as this is the first mpreg I've ever really written. 
> 
> The next chapter will be written from the perspective of Dean.
> 
> Enjoy!


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